Saturday, May 05, 2012

Flippin' the Bitch Switch

The cute haircut I almost didn't have.
 I enter the salon at five minutes to three and tell the girl at the counter that I have a three o'clock appointment.

"Please be seated, Ma'am" she says.

I sit and while away the time till 3.20 p.m.

I catch her eye and raise an eyebrow. She goes scurrying around, speaking to all the stylists one by one, and looks furtively in my direction, but she doesn't come up to me even once to ask me who my appointment is with. She goes back to her desk and starts flipping through the pages of her appointment book like a crazed person. I walk up to her and ask her if there's a problem.

Friday, May 04, 2012

Does this question make me look fat?

So Joe, who you’ve already read about here, and who is still reluctant to allow me to use his real name on my blog, because I spontaneously ( I believe the word he used was 'gratuitously') bring up the topic of hoo-has where they don’t belong  (though why does referring to them have to be so awkward?), called me this morning to catch up. 

Though he's incredibly busy, and spends a lot of time flying around to different corners of the country, and the world (which makes me just hate him and envy him madly), he always manages to find time to call me every other day. And while I just babble on and on and on, most of my tirades are just met with a 'Hmmmm.' But he has been dealing with me for many years, and he has learnt well.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Some people are just born to be providers of blog content

So this calendar, right, is sitting on a table in my sister's house. And like a lot of other things she does, I can't explain this either. Doesn't it just remind you of the convicts of yore who scratched on the walls of their prison cells, with a jagged bit of stone, to figure out how much of life was passing them by, day by agonizing day? What? Only 14 years and 28 days more days to go before I can get out ? Yay me! 

You'd think we kept her chained in the basement, or garage, and fed her out of a tin plate when she was a child, wouldn't you?

You know, it doesn't seem like such a bad idea, when I actually see those words out in the open like that.

Sigh. Too late now.

Ode to May

Oh, May! You hold a special place in my heart, because you remind me of childhood summer vacations and picnics with my friends, spent splashing around in the cool, sparkling river, till we were frozen, and shrivelled like raisins.

Of bicycle races, of sneaking out on languid afternoons to trespass on a neighbouring farmer's property and break mangoes from his trees. Of risking our lives by laying coins on the railway tracks so that the train would flatten and disfigure them, and we would be left with souvenirs of our bravery. Of devouring glasses of mango fool, and drinking in the cool, crisp air as we gesticulated our way to victory in Dumb Charades wars.

Yes, May, you fill me with longing and sweet emotion reserved for a first love.

But these days, I love you mostly because your gorgeous, flaming red flowers make my nose itch considerably less than April's flowers do.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What I love about going home

Do you need further proof that cuteness is inherited?

Sweetness personified. The glue that has kept our family together through thick and thin. She has had the unenviable task of dealing with two very disparate personalities-polar opposites, in fact, in the form of my sister and me. The referee when we have our screaming matches, and is sometimes unintentionally funny. She has taught us, through word and example, to be honest, respectful, compassionate, and to hold our heads high, and persevere with patience and determination.She is our guardian angel, always looking out for us, always thinking the best of us, always expecting the best from us. Wanting our happiness more than anything else. I have been told that I possess her features, and some of her charm.Ahem. 

OK, that last bit I may have just made up, but let's just pretend that it's true.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Missed a spot

This ear belongs to my sister, who I have already written about here, and here, and here. For now, only a picture of her ear is allowed on this blog. If I permit any more than that, very soon, she'll be taking over my blog, and having an affair with it, and running away with it, and marrying it, and having its little blog babies. And before you know it, this blog would have stripped of all its charm (ahem!) and been renamed ' THE @#&*%#%& BEEP BEEP BEEP, BEEPITY BEEP BLOG.'

I wish I could tell you what the deal is with all the piercings and all, but I seriously haven't got a clue. Elaine Davidson wannabe perhaps? I don't know. And she would have gone on, but she ran out of space. Though I can tell you this - when it does come in handy is when we're baking, and we need to measure out about 50 grams of something (like baking soda, for instance) and can't find the weight, we just detach her ear and use that instead.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Cats are silly (and Moms are weird)

The strangest object caught my eye when I went home for Easter this time. It was this mobile-type thing hanging above the porch. You know, those dangling things that people hang above babies’ cots to keep them entertained, which they do, for about thirty seconds, after which the babies promptly get back to screaming and hollering and demanding that their parents find something new to entertain them with. The baby mobiles usually have some plastic elephants, and hippos, and also other miscellaneous animals that do not resemble anything in actual existence dangling from them. But this one that mom had hung up had…DEAD BIRDS? 

Friday, March 30, 2012


On my way home from work today, I saw what I thought was stalk of sugarcane lying in the middle of the road. I ignored it, till it started gliding across the road as I got nearer. I couldn't hit the brakes, because that would've just caused an accident, and realizing that there was nothing else I could do, I closed my eyes and prayed that I wouldn't run over it.

Right. Because THAT'S how you avoid running over a snake with your car. By driving with your eyes closed in peak-hour traffic.

Friday, March 23, 2012


My sister walks into the bathroom and catches me in front of the mirror, holding in my left hand a trophy that I once won for something not remotely related to acting, and a round hairbrush in my right, which is my serving as my makeshift mic.

She: Whatcha doing?

Me: Practising my acceptance speech.

She: What acceptance speech?

Me: I don't know. Just generally, you know. In case I win an award. Practising what I would say.

She: An award for what?

Me: An Oscar, an Emmy, a Golden Globe, Filmfare. I dunno.

She: Are you nominated?


She: Have you even acted in anything?

Me: Do the plays I acted in when I was in college count?

She: There's no milk in the fridge and your plants have all died because you've forgotten to water them.*eye roll* And you're my role model? Mom wants me to be more like you? *snort*

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The cure

I don't know how it happened. When I headed out the door, it felt like one of those days when all I really wanted was to get myself a prescription for Prozac, but I returned home with a bottle of  'Happy Spirit' by Chopard instead.

The guy who sold it to me insists that it will have the same effect, because it has the word 'Happy' in it. See?

So turns out that I'm just an idiot because I don't get that it's apparently as simple as that.

Friday, March 16, 2012

The one in which I talk a lot about restrooms and what really goes on in there

Today was just one of those days when I was so restless. I mean, how many times can you look yourself up in Google? Nothing new ever comes up. That’s probably because no-one hides in the bushes outside my house, and rifles through my trash, or follows me around with a camera and takes pictures of me every time I go for a walk in my Chanel boots, CK jeans, Ralph Lauren sweater and Gucci shades. And no-one is ever around to take a picture of me getting into a car without any underwear on and flashing my hoo-ha at the world (and Mom, in case any of this gets back to you, I swear I would never do that! I am still the good Catholic girl you raised me to be).

Oh, right. Because that only happens to Kate Beckinsale and Britney Spears.

Saturday, March 10, 2012


I was very tempted to celebrate Women's Day by downing a couple of mojitos. But as soon as I reached for the alcohol, memories of  how vodka has treated me SO WRONG in the past came rushing into my head (can't you just hear a wailing Country singer belt out a somebody-done-somebody-wrong song in the background?)

I had, yes, flashbacks of a fool- drinking far too much, and crawling on all fours to the bathroom, retching and heaving, till my eyeballs threatened to pop right out of my head. The next morning, if placing a ton of bricks on my head would have made it feel better, then that's what I would have done. I wanted to moan and cuss, but even the sound of my own voice made my head hurt even more.

So instead, this time, I drank iced tea, and decorated it with a sprig of mint to give it that fake-mojito vibe.

Adventure is my middle name. Just livin' on the edge, and sometimes, practically hanging off it.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

To my 6 year-old self, I'd like to go back and say...

Many years from now, you'll be reading this. By then, I think it would be safe to assume that you'll be wiser, having experienced many of the vicissitudes of life. Vicissitudes. Now there's a big word for you. I only hope that you'll have the wisdom to learn from them.

By the time you are older, you smiles will not come so easily, or be so open. You won't smile just because you feel like smiling. You will smile as a form of greeting, or when you think of something funny, or to put on a face when you meet people. By then, you will not trust people so easily. You will become wary of them, suspicious of their motives. Of course, many people will give you a reason to mistrust them, because they will hurt you, and lie to you, for no other reason than they can, or that they don't know any better, or that they do, but are still insensitive enough to choose to do so anyway.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Time to grow up?

Click on the photo to enlarge

No, this is not the bed of a six year old. This is my bed. And the only thought that crosses my mind when I look at this picture is - the correct time to have started therapy was probably about five years ago.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Just take a deep breath!

Apparently, there's an iPhone app that does this. So if anybody out there is still in a mind-altered state from breathing in too much Valentine's Day craziness, and getting all pee-in-your-pants excited about the fact that someone actually went to the trouble of getting a Costa Coffee barista to do this especially for you, I would like to take this opportunity to say- JUST! CALM! DOWN!

P.S- And by 'anybody', I mean 'me'.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

When the world seems to shine, like you've had too much wine, that's Amore.

I love Happily Ever Afters. Especially since they're a part of the same fairytales that begin with 'Once Upon a Time'. And doesn't everyone just love a good fairytale? I'm not averse to participating ever so slightly in the V-Day madness myself, but only just a little. Just kind of, like, dipping my toe into the swirling cesspool of red heart-shaped balloons, teddy bears, chocolate, cards, flowers, diamonds, and what-have-you. The thing I HAVE TO DO, and that makes me feel warm to the tips of my extremities, (though I suspect that it could also be the wine working), is watching 'Love, Actually'. HAVE.TO.DO. Even though it is a mush-fest that was made to set the cash registers ringing at the box office during the Christmas holidays in 2003, I LOVE IT!

Friday, February 03, 2012


I know it is. Staying away for so long. But pardon me, for here I am once again.

I wanted to write about something funny. Some amusing anecdote, some humorous incident, where I could pretend that life happens in Emmy Award-winning, comedic, half-hour slots. But who would I be fooling? Mostly, just myself. Everyone can continue living in the State of  Maharashtra, or the State of Missouri, or wherever they live. I'd just rather continue living in the State of Denial. Everything here is just better, brighter, happier. People are nicer, and things actually turn out the way you want them to.