Friday, March 30, 2012


On my way home from work today, I saw what I thought was stalk of sugarcane lying in the middle of the road. I ignored it, till it started gliding across the road as I got nearer. I couldn't hit the brakes, because that would've just caused an accident, and realizing that there was nothing else I could do, I closed my eyes and prayed that I wouldn't run over it.

Right. Because THAT'S how you avoid running over a snake with your car. By driving with your eyes closed in peak-hour traffic.

You want a picture don't you, to ensure that I am not making this up? Well, pardon me for not stopping and taking a picture of a snake whose head I may have run over, because I was too busy FREAKING OUT!!!

Snakes creep me out. Lizards too. I once emptied an entire can of insect repellent on a baby lizard till it was reduced to a shrivelled, unrecognizable blob of flesh. Then I stood ON the couch, quivering and shaking in fear and disgust by what I had just done, for about forty-five minutes, scared to even put my foot on the floor where the afore-mentioned blob lay, even though the lizard was DEAD. I had convinced myself that when the President of India was handing out medals for bravery on Republic Day, I would be standing right up there with the brave souls who had pulled people out from train wrecks and burning buildings.

Getting back to the snake. From there on, the evening got very Snakes On a Plane, at least in my mind. There was bound to be a snake everywhere. I was sure of it. I was waiting for a snake to crawl out of the AC vent in the car. I checked twice before getting out of the car, and was afraid to take the keys out of my bag, because what if there was a snake in there? And how would I deal with the snakes that dropped on me from the ceiling of my apartment, and all the hundreds of snakes crawling on the floor of my living room? This, besides being called bat-shit crazy, is also called 'The Jaws Effect', as in, after I'd watched 'Jaws' as a kid, I refused to sit on the toilet, and begged my Dad to come and stand outside the bathroom door-

Me: Daddy, come with me pleeeeease. I need to pee. But I'm scared!

Dad: Of what?

Me: Of  the sharks!

Dad: There are no sharks in the toilet!

Me: But what if there are? What if it comes and bites my bum while I'm on the toilet?

Dad: Not if it knows what kids poop smells like.

And that's how I pooped for ten days after that-on the edge of the seat, expecting that it was the last time I would ever feel my butt.

And then there's the matter of the snake that comes back to exact revenge on its mate's killer. What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about? Don't you ever watch ANY B-grade Bollywood movies from the 80s? And if you think I'm talking rubbish, then why was Mallika Sherawat allowed to slither walk down the red carpet to promote 'Hiss' at Cannes the year before last???

Defying all logic and reason, the freaking out continues, and the question topmost on my mind right now is -how likely is it that a three foot snake could be hiding in this half-full bowl of soup I'm about to eat?

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