Why I was just happier before facebook

I've decided not to access my facebook account anymore. Okay, let me rephrase that. I have decided not to access my facebook account AS OFTEN AS I DO NOW. Because, really, which neurotic, obsessive-compulsive-type person can really live in the real world without having facebook to run to when it all gets too much to handle? Glad I'm not one of those people!

It's just annoying, to get ****ing updates about what your friends did on ****ing Farmville. These are the same people who probably couldn't care for a goldfish in the real world. My friend G even killed a virtual fish screensaver that was her pet on her laptop, and on Farmville, she's won ribbons and awards and what-have-you. Yes, I am aware that I am probably amongst the 2% of the facebook population who hasn't succumbed to Farmville, but hey, shoot me!

And really,when you read a status update that says 'Really rocked the house with my speech at the Commonwealth Education Forum.Yeah!' aren't you just tempted to reply with 'Really?? I'm so excited for you that I almost peed in my pants!' Disappear, and come back only when you win an Oscar, okay?

Another thing - albums containing pictures of kids from ever since they were pushed out at birth to like, five minutes ago.Yeah, yeah, we know you think that your baby's the cutest little thing on two legs, but other people have had babies too, you know? The earth's population didn't get to be 6,692,030,277 by magic. Most kids might look like angels, but ask their parents, who're living with them 24x7, and are just about ready to give them up for adoption, or even give them away for free.

I saw this picture of my friend's son, Rohan, posing with his pet dog, and they just look just so....awwwwww! Except that, when he's not posing for the camera, the narcissistic little tyke, his mother spends every waking moment yelling things like "Rohan, how many times have I told you not to pick Zumba up by his tail? Put him down right now!"

Yes, that's the dog's name, and no, I don't know why they call him that, and no, I have never wanted to find out.

There's also this couple I know, who look(in pictures) like they're made for each other, except that the husband's really a prime jerk and is currently having an affair with his assistant. His wife's pregnant and he's feeling really neglected, because all she cares about is the size and shape of her belly, and eating the equivalent of her body weight in food "for the baby", and exchanging notes about prospective motherhood with other moms-to-be. So which self-absorbed, selfish, randy, a****** who forgot to grow up wouldn't have an affair under the circumstances, right? The part where she threw up every morning and cried every time a pin dropped because her hormones were shot to hell, or felt as bloated as a leech were especially hard on him, because, hey, he said for better or for worse, but this?? But there they are, right there, posing in front of the Sydney Opera House on their perfect little holiday,in their matching 'we're-so-happy-together-we-could-burst-at-the-seams-right-now' facial expressions. Puke.

So what I'm trying to say is - weren't we all just better off the way we were before, when we didn't know where people went after school or college, and we met them just once or twice after that in our entire lifetimes at reunions,where everybody dressed up really nicely, and lied through their teeth about how well they were doing and what perfect lives and relationships they had? Really. I mean, really. Wasn't that just better?

I have now decided to form a group on facebook called 'Let's not log into facebook every frickin' time someone leaves a comment or changes their status or does any other damn thing, or just because we have nothing better to do and our lives on facebook are infinitely more interesting than our real lives.' Okay, so I think the facebook guys may have a character limit on that which I'll have to adhere to, and I'll have to work that out. But you'll join my group, right? Anybody...? Anyone...?

Helloooooooooooo.....???